Sadness

Dear Max,

The thing that makes me the saddest is not you, but your momma being sad. And your momma was sad because I haven’t really grown to love you in the last few weeks of your existence.

I love your momma and she, not you is the reason you exist. But that’s a very different reason to why she had you. We had one of our more serious arguments today, after I caught up with Mr. Yap, who you may or may not meet depending on where he ends up. Somehow I started with “let’s try some things so I can be better”, but it ended up with your momma bringing up previous times where she wanted to help me be better and it didn’t go well. Also when she had given me advice and I hadn’t really acted on it. And it was just so sad seeing her sad and crying as she fed you, as she was apologising and checking if I, for any moment in the last few weeks, had felt that you were worth the trouble.

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t. Maybe I will in the future, but right now, it’s more of a one way street when it comes to effort investment. Not that I anticipate a return, and in a strange kind of way I do think it’s wrong to anticipate a return. Maybe I see it as some form of craving. It’s just hard to aspire towards something I’m not sure I really want. If there’s one thing I’ve learned with your momma though, things can change and you are no exception. That, and this too shall pass. We’re going to get through this one way or another, your momma, you and I.