More of the same thing. Over and over again. It never ends.

Everytime I try and be as patient as I can with you and you just refuse to take your milk. Everytime you throw a fuss when we’re trying to keep you alive. Everytime you make life difficult for your momma and me. Which is pretty much every. single. day of your existence so far for me. The routine feeding, the arguments, the finality of it. The waking up to another day of more of the same thing, even the coming back from days when your grandmama comes, to more of the same thing. Days when I want to do something different, and made lists of things to do and focus on, and I destroy it all because I feel destroyed after having to deal with you. I can’t even talk to your momma about how I feel because it’s so negative and it affects her badly.

This is not how I wanted to spend my adult life. Still is not. But sadly it is the reality I live in. I don’t hate you, but I do hate my choices as the regret eats me up every day of your existence. Listening to insights on meditation and letting go sometimes just build up resentment towards your momma about the clinging which led to your existence, and the clinging to the aversion that I have spawning this. They talk about creating the conditions for something to happen rather than the hope and desire. Unfortunately, those conditions can no longer exist when it comes to your existence. And creating the conditions where I enjoy your existence just does not seem likely.

I do not like my current existence, much less enjoy it. But it’s the only one I have right now.