Letters to Max - Just sleep dammit

Dear Max,

My momma came to visit today, and your momma was dreading it with a passion. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, and the impending standoff between the mommas and your momma’s unhappiness over the situation did nothing to help matters.

The hour arrived, she came and we got rapidly into it because you wanted to feed, and we started talking about feelings, what your momma was annoyed with and a potential resolution. In a strange kind of way, playing mediator is something I seem to do fairly often. I do think there is some enjoyment to it, in that I am actually making a meaningful difference by achieveing consensus to a problem.

In either case, things went relatively well and then the time came to change diapers, and dispense medicine, which I accidentally discharged a bunch of nasal spray into your nose, much to your discomfort and my eternal suffering and doubt about whether I had actually caused any permanent damage to you. Then came the actual bathing, when I just went all over the place and wasn’t really prepared with all the stuff. I just wonder how I could get to a point where I would be comfortable with that level of complexity. Then you just wouldn’t settle at regular feeding slots, and we spent much time and energy trying to figure out what you really wanted.

So Vipasanna. I’m so far from where I’d like to be. But I am fine just the way I am. A lesson I hope you learn for yourself, sooner rather than later, and certainly sooner than I did. Though whether I did learn it or not is subject to debate since I seem to be suffering from its ill effects right now.

On the face of it all we’re in a pretty good situation. We have the financial bandwidth in case something goes wrong, we can send you to the A&E at a private hospital. We’re both full time on you. The only catch is this darned lack of sleep, which just creates a cycle resulting in more lack of sleep and a loss of confidence and anxiety and more lack of sleep. Even as I write this I can feel some anxiety building up when I eventually have to sleep. Your momma’s been great, suggesting melatonin which I’ve taken, but it still remains to be seen whether the tension can be overcome.

At a theoretical level, I understand what must be done and its importance. I just need to fall asleep and look after you for the shift I’m on. But to do that well I need to be well rested, and that involves sleep which is currently not coming to me. The practical part of the understanding is not really materialising.

But as your momma said, we can always work something up as long as we keep trying. And I will keep trying for our sake, if anything because i love your momma so.

It’s a mind game. I just need to reframe and rebelieve that I have the strength to get through it, jst like in vipasanna, which I do. I fanything because I’m with your momma, but also because when we think about any of the worst cases, all the guilt and consequence mostly comes from within, as opposed to external. Like I said, we could always bring you to A&E. Some things that do happen to you are going to be beyond our control. And we are going to have to accept that, there’s nothing to get tensed about because as your momma said, for the vast majority of things he is capable of doing right now, the worst case is something that is really not that bad.