Letters to Max - how did we get here.

Dear Max,

It’s almost 4 weeks since you came into this world. I’m lying on the daybed in your nursery super tense because you’ve been up and awake in the last hour or so refusing to go to sleep after your feed. It’s been a few minutes of peace before you start fussing again and I’ve finally, successfully put you in your cot with a pacifier in your mouth. The tension comes from the anticipation / dread that you are going to realise it’s all a ruse and wake up and start bawling inconsolably.

It’s this inconsolable nature that drives me crazy. When we’ve been through all the interventions we can help with — Changing nappies, holding you, burping you, feeding you, giving you a pacifier, and you’re still crying hard and non stop that I go, how did I end up here. How did I sign up for this when I would rather sleep, stay in bed, or pursue some other interest. It’s not like I have an interest in child rearing, but we’ve been down that road about how I ended up here with you, so no point flogging a dead horse.

My momma came yesterday and as usual, sparks flew somewhat between her and your momma. She just manages to push your momma’s buttons. I can see where both of them come from, unfortunately the stuff that rubs your momma the wrong way is carved deep, and so are the triggers in your momma herself. I am not looking forward to having to deal with them and you at the same time, but it is going to happen one way or another.

I’m certainly beginning to feel the constraints of having a small place, and my momma actually asked whether we were thinking of moving to a bigger one. It is kind of stifling because we are effectively a room down because of your momma’s office that isn’t getting much use at the moment, but your momma is keen to keep her territory. Conceivably, we could move the changing area, bathing and more into the office, which would give us much more kitchen bench working surface to do things like sterilize and prepare formula, because that is in short supply at the moment.

Future planning aside though, I do feel that I’m getting more skills to better handle you. My momma coming over has given lots of ideas and tips from her experiences bringing up your aunt and I, as well as your cousins. I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy it must have been for her, juggling work and with a husband who didn’t really play an active role in the actual act of child rearing. It’s just so ingrained in society here that fathers are lionized for working hard and “hoping” their kids will understand their sacrifice. I do understand that I’m writing this from a position of privilege, being able to work a little less, but I can’t help but think about my family circumstances and how we did have enough for a long time. There really was never a need for a big fancy house with a yard. The dogs and plants were mostly looked after by the maid anyway.